The Foglight - The Secret to Solo Aging: Actively Connect to Other People

December 2024

Issue 18: December 2024  

In This Issue: In the final installment of our three-part series on solo aging, we explore practical strategies for managing health risks, fostering social connections, and finding joy in aging independently.

The Secret to Solo Aging: Actively Connect to Other People

One of my favorite solo agers—indeed, one of my favorite people—is my friend Sue whom I have known since my first chief medical officer job in Massachusetts. Sue had moved to town to be near, but not too near, her sister. She was divorced, her children lived far away, and she decided being closer to her sister would be good. Sue chose her own town, twenty-five minutes away from her sister. And when she got to town, she began to deliberately find her people. She built what she called her “circles”: Bible-study circle, book-club circle, aqua-aerobics circle, neighbor circle, and so on. Even in this small town, she sought out and found worlds inside worlds of people. It might not have been a deliberate “solo aging” strategy when she started this. It might just have been a gregarious, kind person’s approach to life. But twenty years later, it has served her well.

In the October and November 2024 editions of The Foglight, I examined the rise of the cohort we call “solo agers,” people—like Sue —who live alone, without spouses or children nearby, and the health risks associated with solo aging. These risks include a heightened propensity for dementia, falls, heart disease, hearing loss, depression, and more. In this final essay in the series, I want to focus on some solutions—not cure-alls- but measures a solo ager can take to reduce risks and make solo aging more of a joy and less of a threat.

To begin, some steps seem obvious, but they can slip people’s minds when they don’t live with someone who will remind them. Make and keep doctor’s appointments, particularly when it comes to vision and hearing loss. Get treated sooner rather than later and follow up. Actively avoid taking too many medications through conversations with your doctors about “deprescribing” (and if you need help, reach out to a patient advocate like me). If you feel blue, seek treatment for what could be depression; a good psychiatrist will know the right combination of therapy and medication. If you continue to participate in sports—which you should!—protect your head, as a head injury can be very difficult to rebound from, especially as one’s age advances. Put another way: keep riding that bicycle, but only with a helmet.

And while you’re at it, reduce other risk factors. If you move, check not only for a strong medical center, but also look into the air quality of the area. Air pollution can exacerbate asthma and other pulmonary issues, which is more crucial as you age. Pay attention, too, to the onset of obesity and high cholesterol. This will mean thinking about formal exercise and your habits. (If you move into a small apartment, do you stop climbing stairs? If so, how will you replace that exercise?) And then there is diet: it’s too easy for solo agers, preparing meals for one, to stop cooking wholesome meals and rely on pre-made, processed foods.

Maintaining physical fitness is important to ward off the risks of solo aging, but in addition to physical activity, the solo ager should pay attention to cognitive activity. Stay engaged with the news, politics, family, and friends; keep reading, talking, volunteering, working, gardening and doing whatever you enjoy.

And this brings us back to my friend Sue. As we get older, our people disappear. Our network of people we rely on when we need help, naturally becomes smaller. Our parents die, our children move away or have their own issues, our friends retire and move away or become ill themselves. People we saw regularly for decades, people who traveled life’s journey with us, are suddenly unavailable when we need help. To replace them, we need to be proactive, to find new circles.

Over the years, after I left Massachusetts, my husband and I would return once a year for a weekend to visit Sue. (It helped that she lived close to a music festival we liked to attend. But as the years passed, the visit became more about her and less about the festival). For years, whenever we would visit, at some point over the weekend, she would make chicken salad for someone in one of her circles who was sick or otherwise in need.

Sue’s friends from church, book club, water aerobics, the neighborhood, and so forth have become her support system. When she needs a carpenter or somebody to pick her up from a doctor’s appointment or help with moving furniture, she calls a person in her set of circles and gets the help she needs. She is sad that some people she knew twenty years ago are no longer there. But many are, and they love her. And now they return the kindnesses she showed to them.

These circles did not magically appear; Sue was deliberate about building them. Now, she is a people person, and building networks comes easily to her. Others may prefer to tap into existing structures. For example, several groups in New York exist specifically to help women over a certain age find friends, support for tasks or chores, or to accompany them to events. If you want to go to the museum but don’t have someone to go with, you’ll find someone. By the same token, if you need a ride home from a colonoscopy, you’ll find someone for that, too.

Which brings us to senior living facilities and communities. Many places will offer all or most of these options: social connections, people to eat with, access to medical care and medications, and transportation. Of course, most people don’t want to move from their homes until they have to; when they go to a senior living community, they go for a reason. But once there, they may begin to see the upsides. If they fall, someone will notice. There are options for outings to shop, attend the theatre, eat at a fancy restaurant, etc. For many, this will be an imperfect solution. But for others, they will find something very special: they are no longer solo agers.

People can build inter-reliance with other people at any age. Sometimes, it’s through a friendship. But it can start as more deliberately transactional. Fundamental reciprocity works. I’ll walk your dog when you are away, if you water my plants when I’m away. I’ll drive you to the doctor, if you make me dinner. Some people choose to look at what they need and what they can offer and then deliberately set out to find people. What starts as a practical solution can blossom into a much more gratifying relationship.

On a recent episode of the Try This podcast, Christina Quinn discussed friendships. She included an interview with Robert Waldinger, the fourth director of the Harvard Study on Adult Development. This study followed people from when they were teenagers until the end of their lives. The strongest predictors of who would be happy and live longer weren’t cholesterol levels or blood pressure; it was the quality of their relationships. Similar studies have shown that across all ages, races, and demographics, people who are more socially connected have less risk of dying at any age. A theory is that friendships help with stress regulation, which helps our bodies heal and thrive.

One of the best things solo agers can do is to deliberately build and adjust their social networks. When I sent Sue a draft of this article to ensure she was comfortable, she said it was a good reminder to keep looking for new people. One of her friends, whom she used to count on, is now much less mobile. And Sue, wonderful, sweet proactive Sue, is already planning ahead for when she won’t be able to drive. She said, “I know I’m doing [relatively]well at this time of my life, and I realize that this is my primary task – to adapt and adjust as limitations increase.”

For many of us, it will be easier to take these steps- when we have people to do them with.

Email me with your questions, comments, or subscription requests at gm@mymdadvisor.com. I’d love to hear from you.

Wishing you peace and understanding in your healthcare journey,  

Gerda Maissel, MD, BCPA

Dr. Gerda Maissel, Author

Dr. Maissel is a Board-Certified Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation physician and a Board-Certified Patient Advocate.